I Don’t Feel Different

I walked in on Carter watching the video that was made about our family, Carter and autism back in April.  I have it saved in my favorites and some how he found and clicked on it (scary how he can maneuver the computer).  I watched him watching it – intensely watching it.  After it was over he let out a big sigh and turned his chair towards me.  He was startled to see me standing there.  I asked him if he wanted to talk about the video.  He replied with – “I don’t want to talk about it”.   That is his answer when he is upset or has a lot on his mind.   I told him it was okay and he could tell me anything… it would not hurt my feelings.

This was our conversation after I begged him to talk to me….

Carter:  “I got upset because you cried in the video.”

Me: “I only cried because it was a little difficult for mom.  I don’t want you to have to overcome any obstacles.  I want things to be easy for you – that’s all, Carter.”

Carter:  “Things are easy for me.  I think they are hard for you. I can help you.”

Me: (Thinking to myself ‘WOW’) “I would love for you to help me.  Can you talk to me about autism and how you feel? I’m still learning and sometimes don’t understand.”

Carter:  “Autism makes you talk to people about me and others with it.  You and daddy ask me not to talk about things, like Skylanders and Mario, over and over … I try not too.  Sometimes I get angry and cry.   It is something you say I have but I don’t feel like I have.  I don’t feel different.  Umm – I don’t know what feeling different is. ”

Me: (Silence – I simply hugged him because I had no words.)



One thought on “I Don’t Feel Different

  1. love you Shana Hibdon and your entire family. This is one beautiful post and so so so true
    Carter’s wonderful, thoughtful and I get what he’s saying completely.
    Let him guide you and hopefully the obstacles and challenges will continue to lessen!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s