For Real?

carI have tried to find the words to write this post.  I haven’t been able to find the words of how I really feel…. this is all I got…

Carter has come a long way from a year and a half ago.   The past 2 months I have started questioning if he really truly does have autism.  His fixations are going away.  He can move pass the “Rain Man” – he has not been able to do that before.  Yes, he does talk about whatever he is fixated on – however, if you tell him that is enough – majority of the time he now stops.   His break downs have not happened in 3 months and the one he did have was the only one he had in about 4 months.  When he starts to have a break down now – we talk to him and he stops.

In June, Carter got mad at me because I talked about him having autism to another person in front of him.  He put me in my place by telling me that I didn’t need to tell everyone he has autism and he didn’t appreciate me talking about him like he wasn’t there.  He is seven and understands all of this.

This summer –  I’ve had several people that had dealings with Carter tell me “I would have never known he had autism if you had not told me.  He acts like a typical kid.”

Can one grow out of autism?

He is carrying on conversations with me now – true conversations – not just one sided.  He is looking me in the eyes.   He is doing things that “typical” kids do.   He is using his imagination and playing with his toys – giving them character names and character voices – like “typical” children do.  The list goes on – on everything “typical” he is doing now.

On vacation – he  rode on roller coasters – roller coasters that I was terrified to ride.  He wanted to ride all the rides.  His autism was no where on our vacation and it felt so good.  Autism never showed its ugly face.

At my nephews baseball game – Carter found a classmate of his – he sat and played with her the entire time.  He was more social than my 9 year old was that day.

I have so many more stories… that are “typical” stories…  the “typical” stories are becoming more and more and the “autism” stories are becoming less and less.

Sometimes I think that may be I am just hoping for “no more autism” to be true.  Am I turning a blind eye to something that is there but I don’t see it – or don’t want to see it?

I am so confused…

The truth is – I don’t want him to have autism.  I hate autism… I hate it…  I have never hated something so much in my life like I hate autism.  There I said it – I have wanted to say that for a long time.  I am saying this not just for Carter but  because I see what my friends who have severe autistic children – what they have to go through… how they have to keep it together…. how they have to cry inside and not let it show on the outside… how they have to fight everyday to see a little glimpse of their child that is trapped within.

I said in the beginning of our autism journey how we need to embrace autism… I have learned to tolerate autism and embrace my son, I embrace the children with autism…. but embracing autism is not easy to do.    I fight autism…

It makes me so darn mad that there is not more research being done on autism.  There are more children with autism than there are children with cancer, pediatric aids and diabetes combined.  Not saying that those diseases do not need research – they do… but come on – autism is becoming an epidemic and the thoughts of the numbers that will come out 5 years from now on how many more children have autism – terrifies me.

I want my son to be the success story… I want my son to miraculously no longer have autism because we have done everything in our power to make it so.

Is this a fantasy?  or is this something that is coming true for Carter… for us…  or is it just a wish – a fantasy of what I long for – for him????

I pray every night that God will show me the way and I pray for a miracle – for Carter, for our family, for those that live with autism … I pray….

Don’t think that there’s a different, better child ‘hiding’ behind the autism. This is your child. Love the child in front of you. Encourage his strengths, celebrate his quirks, and improve his weaknesses, the way you would with any child. You may have to work harder on some of this, but that’s the goal. ~ Claire Scovell LaZebnik


One thought on “For Real?

  1. Carter’s autism is probably mild and you might have been able to end some stuff through all you and Todd did with him.

    Don’t know if you saw this article. It’s pretty amazing

    And great raw wonderful post


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s