Wearing A Mask

Vanderbilt Children's Hospital  is so cool. Carter was so excited. They let him color on his bed sheets before surgery.

Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital is so cool. Carter was so excited. They let him color on his bed sheets before surgery.

The past 3 weeks have been somewhat overwhelming.

November 1st we took Will to see a neurologist because his regular physician wanted to make sure that Will’s staring spells were not seizures.  Long story short – Will has an EEG done tomorrow to make sure he is not having what is called “Absence Epilepsy“.

November 7th Carter had his eardrum repair surgery.  I did okay up until two nights before.  All kinds of horrible things ran through my emotional brain.  Really – I worry way to much about everything.  Carter did so well – I worried for nothing.  He proved me wrong in every scenario I dreamed up.  He was out of school for a week and went back to school this past Friday.  Again – he has been a rock star through everything.  I am so proud of him.

November 15th Will saw a learning disability doctor.  After 4 1/2 hours the doctor diagnosed Will with ADHD Inattentive Type – formerly known as ADD.  In a nut shell – ADHD Inattentive Type is for someone with serious inattention problems, but not much problem with hyperactivity/impulsive symptoms – click here for info on ADHD Inattentive Type if you want to know more.

My William

My William

He also said he believed he has a mild form of Dyslexia.  I always thought that Dyslexia is when someone reads/writes backwards – but there is so much more to it – Language processing, mixing up sounds in multi-syllabic words, confusion over left versus right, over versus under, before versus after, and other directionality words and concepts,  often have “immature” speech. They may still be saying “wed and gween” instead of “red and green” in second or third grade, etc…      I asked his doctor if Will is diagnosed with Absence Epilepsy will this change his diagnosis and he said that it would not.  Even if he is having epilepsy spells he still sticks by his diagnosis because of his evaluation and everything we and Will’s teachers have told him about Will.

Will is a bright  and smart child.  I hope that now that we have the diagnosis that we can help him reach his potential in every way we can.

So…  basically…  I have… well… I have information overload syndrome.   I have had so much information given to me on both of my children’s medical and learning issues –  for going on a year now.  I can’t help but ask myself  “WHY”…  God knows I know that it could be so much worse.  I KNOW that there are so many more people out there that have children that are worse off than my boys… children that have serious –  incurable illnesses…  BUT  that doesn’t mean it is not hard.  I keep telling myself that it could be so much worse… I keep telling myself this over and over and over… but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

smileI am trying so hard to keep it together… every inch of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry and cry… but I can’t.  I have to keep it together… I feel guilty when I do cry.  I am mentally spent.   I am numb.

This is not a pitty post – this is an honest post.  An honest post of how I feel.  I can pretend to be happy about everything – but the truth is – I feel that I am breaking inside – I  hurt.  I hurt for my babies.  As most good mothers want for their children –  happiness, healthiness, no struggles, no pain, no heartache…. I know we all have hurdles to jump… but darn it – I wished for my babies that their hurdles were just little ant hills – not the rolling hills of Tennessee.

When I take a step back and I really take in how I feel – it makes me wonder….  I wear a mask of a smile every day…. how many people out there wear the same mask?   They wear the mask to hide their hurt – they put on that smile because they know they have to tread on… because if they don’t tread on for themselves or for the ones they love… who else will?

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying.
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

~ Songwriters: CHARLES CHAPLIN, JOHN TURNER, GEOFFREY PARSONS

 

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