School and Personal Acceptance

spa1The boys started back to school last week.  Will was so nervous (he started a new school) – Carter was jumping for joy (he loves school).  Their first full day was last Friday.  That morning I was trying to be encouraging to Will – HOWEVER… the more I talked about it the more I could tell it was making him upset.  He could barely talk to me because he was fighting back the tears.  Carter was so excited he couldn’t wait to get in the car and go, go, go….

I worried all day about Will… my kind hearted – lover of all – sweet child.  Yes, I worried about Carter too – but he was so excited about school I new he would be okay.  I decided I would pick Will up from school first.  As I waited in line all I could think about was him not wanting to go back… not having a good day… maybe, possibly missing his mommy.  I pulled up and he opened the door ‘ALL SMILES’… I asked how school was and his reply was “AWESOME”!!!   All he talked about is what he did that day.  The big thing he really enjoyed was “free reading” and he decided to read a book called “TITANIC”.  He told me all about it on the way to pick up Carter.  He informed me that he did not get to finish it and I could not tell him how it ended – he wanted to find out himself.  My heart was so happy.

When I pulled around to pick up Carter – the librarian (who was on car pick up duty) had her walkie talkie in hand so she could let the other car pick up duty staff know which child to line up for pick up.  I showed her Carter’s name plate and she got this pitiful look on her face and said “Bless his heart!  He has been crying.”  My heart dropped – I asked “WHY?”…  She explained to me it was because he didn’t want to leave school.  My heart lifted and I just laughed and drove on around the pick up line.  When I got to him – there were a few teachers and aides consoling him.  He was PITIFUL… he was crying and snot was rolling down his face.  They helped get him in the car and I started home.  I asked him what was the matter… and through his tears he exclaimed “I will not get to see Mrs. Rackley for 2 days.  It’s not fair!!”  He continued to cry and cry.  I finally had to tell him if he didn’t stop crying then he would not be able to go to his cousin’s birthday party that evening.  As soon as I said that – he cleared up and was fine.

Both boys have also had a fabulous week.  Will is the first one up, clothes on, breakfast eaten… he is ready.  Carter tells me every day to hurry up because he is going to be late.  I am so excited for both of them – I hope their excitement continues.

spa2For myself – Carter was diagnosed in February.  I hit the road running trying to get therapies, iep meetings, etc… going…  I am constantly go – go – go – on top of working a full time job. I’m tired… I get depressed…  I am so flip-floppy on accepting his diagnosis.  What I mean by accepting – example: I go back and forth with “does Carter need an aide?”…  I think he is okay for right now… however, down the road I am not sure.  I find myself thinking about it often and not wanting to accept it.  Why?  I want him to be treated as “normal” as possible.  Having an aide makes him out of the norm… right?  Silly… Silly… Silly…  but these are the things I think about.  I have not taken the time to fully accept that he has autism.  I put on a good front… but inside… I am broken.  I weekly go through  – every emotion I went through the first time I heard the words “he has autism”…  I beat myself up…  am I doing enough?  what more can I do? what does his future hold?  I am the biggest worry wart you will ever meet.  I do feel better talking with other autism parents – because evidently this is normal to question and feel the way I do… I just don’t like being this way.   I am a “get it done” type person – my patience is very low…  I have always been able to fix hurdles… this hurdle I can’t fix.  I can put band-aides on it… I can put us all through therapy… but darn it… I CAN’T FIX IT… it breaks me…

No matter how broken, depressed, angry, upset, etc… I get — the BIG picture is – that I will never let go of his little hand – even when his hand is bigger than mine…  I will be his biggest cheerleader… that is something I can and do accept.  BOTH BOYS – I will always be there…

Take My Hand

  • Written By: Maddie Georgi

I know sometimes you just don’t get everything I say
And when I try to talk to you, you wander off to play
A beautiful child, who doesn’t always understand
Who needs someone to walk right up and reach out their hand and say:

Take my hand and I will show you the way
You don’t need to worry what anybody else will say
Just stick with me and you’ll be fine
There ain’t no mountain we can’t climb
And together we can take a stand
If you take my hand

So maybe you learn differently than other boys and girls
But you ought to know I wouldn’t trade you for the world
So listen up now everyone, I’m gonna tell you what to do
Put on a smile and help a child, the rest is up to you

Take my hand and I will show you the way
You don’t need to worry what anybody else will say
Just stick with me and you’ll be fine
There ain’t no mountain we can’t climb
And together we can take a stand
If you take my hand

You need someone to help you learn and grow
No one can make it on their own

Take my hand and I will show you the way
You don’t need to worry what anybody else will say
Just stick with me and you’ll be fine
There ain’t no mountain we can’t climb
And together we can take a stand
If you take my hand

Take my hand and I will show you the way
You don’t need to worry what anybody else will say
Just stick with me and you’ll be fine
There ain’t no mountain we can’t climb
And together we can take a stand
If you take my hand
Take my hand, take my hand, take my hand

© Maddie Georgi

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