I So Wish

isw1Last Friday I “ate” with Carter at school.  When I walked into the lunchroom – he was already sitting at his class table.  My heart sank a little because he was sitting by himself.  None of the other kids were sitting by him.  Granted there were a few classmates still in the lunch line… but all the other kids that were seated had their friends with them – sitting, talking and giggling.  I tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up at me and smiled.  He picked up his lunch and his sensory cushion that he sits on to keep him from wiggling and we headed to the parents table.  While sitting with him – he didn’t say one word to me.  He concentrated on eating.  I tried to talk to him but he would not respond.  He knows he has so many minutes to eat and he was scarfing down his food.  When he was finished with every last crumb – he put all his trash in one disposable container.  He then looked up at me, smiled and leaned against me.  All I could do was stroke his head… I was afraid if I spoke I would cry.

I was also able to sit with Will when it was his turn to eat lunch.   I couldn’t get him to eat because he was toooooo busy talking to me.   I repeated several times “Will eat your crackers.  Will eat your ham. Will just eat something!”  He was so excited that I was there sitting with him – he just had to tell me everything that he had done so far at school that day.

isw2Carter doesn’t have a lot of friends.  He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.  I think it bothers me more than him.  He doesn’t really know any difference.  Will, on the other hand, is friends with everyone.

It’s difficult to watch my child sitting all by himself…  It’s difficult when trying to carry on a conversation and he will not respond back… It’s difficult for me – more so – than for him….

However – his smile – knowing that he is happy… knowing his feelings are not hurt… that is not so difficult….

My heartbreaks a little every day… but then there are moments when he smiles that magically puts band-aids on the cracks of my heart.

I love him so much it hurts…

There are times that I wonder if he will ever realize that he is sitting all by himself.  Will he have hurt feelings?  Will he care?

isw3My heart belongs to the men of my family.  My husband has had my heart since I was 17 years old, unknown to him.  He didn’t know he had my heart until I was 23 years old – when I finally got up enough nerve to tell him.  Both of my boys have had my heart before they were ever conceived… I dreamed of them.    I always wanted to be a wife and a mother – those 2 titles are the only titles I have ever wanted.  Yes, I  had dreams of becoming a musician, to travel the world, etc… but realistically I knew deep down that the titles of “country star”and “explorer” were really just that – “a dream”.   If I die tomorrow – I will die knowing that everything I ever wanted and mattered in this life – I have achieved.  My world is complete.

Yes, my world is complete… that being said – I so wish that it was different for my little man…

 

 

“The heart was made to be broken.” – Oscar Wilde

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